When Did the Pain all Start?

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I’m Trying to Remember
What Happened to me?
When Did It Happen to me?
Why Did It Happen to me?

When Did My Life Become less about building my life into Something with Purpose?
And More About the Hurt those things Leave Behind when They’re Gone?
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When Did The Storm Roll in Over my Green Meadows and Bright Paths?
Cascading Gray and Gloomy; over my Radiant Vivid Life.

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I remember when I was Happy; I Remember you.
You were my Everything; I could never hold you close enough.
The Only Light I’ve Ever Found on this Earth.
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I Prayed you’d never leave; I was Forgotten
Now Life seems Shaded and Overcast.
Light less and Grim.
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When Will The Color’s Run? When Will the Light Illuminate?
Where Are you?
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I’m So Tired.  I’m So Tired of Fighting.
I can’t Change What is My Life.
I…Give up.

Let Her Find me.

What The Hell Is So Great About Being Outside?

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Oh Yeah; People Love to Be Outside.
Look at that Blank Nothingness.
Alot of Opportunity’s Awaits me Here.
This must be what all the People Were Waiting for Throughout Their Busy Work Week.

To Just Be Out In the Middle of No Where; With Nothing to do.
Surrounded by Rocks, and Weeds, and Dirt.
I Can’t Imagine a Better Place to Be, Just Waste my Time and Effort.
Walking around; Just so I can Walk Back and Accomplish Nothing.
Isn’t This Nice? I can really get used to this?

Now where the fuck is the house?
The Computer? The Game System? The Pussy? The Cold Beer? The Steaks? The Surround Sound? The 3D Blu-ray High Definition 70 inch Television? Where The Seats Don’t Have Bugs on them? Where the Sun Isn’t beating down overheating your Head? Where I can I Look up and Not be Totally Blind?

I’ll never understand it.

Why was I here Again? What road did I turn down now?!

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Where Have I taken myself this time?

I got that old familiar feeling; I was back at ground zero. I knew I’ve been here before. At the Bottom of the barrel; regretting another bad choice life has decided to throw at me.

Everything is subjective to the eye of the beholder.  I realize that my luck hasn’t been working out for me Lately. Hell; its hasn’t been for years; It dried up along time ago.

I’ve recently decided that in order to obtain something that can actually make me happy. I had to find it; look for it; reach out and grab it.

Put the past behind me; Try to forget the scars and heartache. Move forward from all the depressing and fucked up things that have made me who I am.

No matter where I searched; I couldn’t find anything justifiable to quench my thirst in this shit hole of a world.

Why has god deprived me of the good things in life.  Why was I doomed to be forsaken every turn of the way.

All I wanted was a decent woman that wasn’t a using cunt bag.  Someone nice with a defined set of morals.  Someone I can stand that wasn’t blind; corrupt; or stupid.

Someone I could sit in the same room with and stand for more than ten minutes. That had interesting things to say; Someone I could wake up next to and smile that she in fact did exist in my life.

That day will never come; It’s a losing battle; Having faith in mankind is like hoping the Cubs will in fact win the world series someday in the near future.

Trying to find her. Always invited trouble in for me.  It was always the wrong kind of women.  Here Lately; I was thinking that’s all there was anymore. Just the wrong kinds.

If they did exist; they were locked up away from the world.  With no where to look; I gave up.

Now; with no where to look and nothing to find. I’m finding most of my answers in the bottom of a bottle and in a full ash tray. Mask my emotions; Block them out; play it safe.

The more I live like this; the more fucked up I’m becoming like the world around me.  But I don’t want to fit into the picture.  I’m art; not some everyday nobody.

The world will never understand me, my complexity’s.  Its the blind leading the blind out there and I feel like the only motherfucker that can see.

I need to turn off this road; find a new way. But I’m outta options; and outta gas. Maybe I’ll meet someone like me; broken down; drowning in their own self pity. Along the way.

Condemned to the same shitty lifestyle; they never wanted.